In the last maybe ten years or so I have noticed that I don’t enjoy things like I used to ….it’s not that I don’t find joy in the things I do because I do but I think I am having a hard time expressing that joy and I seem to have a hard time believing that joy will last
I think when I see that I am going to experience something joyful ….I start to retreat inside myself …..to keep it hidden i’m afraid to show that i am receiving pleasure from something.
I am starting to realize that when ever I think something wonderful is about to happen or is happening I also expect something else is going to happen to take away that joy…..
Like a rainbow you can’t have the beauty without the rain…and you can’t appreciate the good without the bad….
I don’t fully understand why I always expect the worst to happen and sometimes I wonder if I contribute to the bad because I expect it ….I am slowly understanding how to accept the good and absorb the good energy I get from it. And when the bad comes I do seem to be able to deal with it as a separate issue …. And not as a punishment for enjoying some thing good. I am starting to see that the bad will not always come after the good.
Years ago I used to be such an enthusiast but some where along the line I lost that part of me maybe it was being looked at with rolling eyes when I showed to much enthusiasm or maybe it was just me allowing every one else’s doubts and negativity to blind me
I am trying so hard to find that part of me to remember how that felt .
I see glimpses of that more and more lately…
That is how My Life Becomes Me 🙂
Life Becomes Me 
Wow…I feel you have read my thoughts. I had lived like that for most of my life but now am able to chart my own course. Keep trying. Its better than not and you will live longer and with more fun. I told my son, who came out of a very bad relationship and is very afraid of another, that if he spent the whole time worrying how long it will last he will have missed it all. Excellent post. I will keep my eye on you.
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Thank you I’m glad to see i’m not the only one that thinks this way ……and pleased to see people are starting to leave comments 🙂
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